Monday, September 3, 2018

Birds At Large: Battle Beasts

Toys in the 80s were frigging awesome, and I had a lot of them. GI Joes were my primary obsession, but I also had M.A.S.K. toys, DinoRiders (correct, these were soldiers that rode dinosaurs outfitted with lasers and missiles), Ghostbusters, Transformers, and more.

And I was just recently reminded about some things called Battle Beasts. These things sucked. They were little armored animals with no articulation and a little hologram sticker thing on their chests that was supposed to show an image when you warmed it up with your thumb but never worked and always just fell to the bottom of the toy chest.

They sucked, but they were around, and I've just stumbled onto a page showing all of them and I want to show you because there are bird ones and they're hilarious.

OK, so, these toys started in Japan in the early 80s and then were released by Hasbro in the United States in 1986, which is when I must have got them. The "story" behind these fighting animals is just pure batshit malarky. From Wikipedia:

The universe history of 2011 [what?] in the galaxy territory [whattt] of the Decepticon’s “Planet Beast.”
The intelligent race of animals called Beastformers lived in peace on Planet Beast. [LOL Planet Beast] However, the scheming evil hand of the Decepticon’s bent on domination of the entire universe to the peaceful Planet Beast was fast approaching.
To defeat the Lion Family that ruled the Planet Beast, Galvatron supplied Alligatron with weapons in order to overthrow the Lion family. Alligatron was given the Sharkticons, who were the military escorts of the Destrons to fight in the rebellion. This is how the Beastformer war began.
The Beast Star was suddenly engulfed in war. Before Alligatron the wielder of the Decepticon Power and his Decepticon Beast’s could capture the Cybertron Beasts, they were able to escape into the forest. In order to ask for help from the Transformers Cybertron Army, the Cybertron Beast’s strongest warrior Platinum Tiger had to make his way to the occupied communication room of the palace.
However, Alligatron planted a trap there called the "Holography Mirror." As soon as Platinum Tiger unwittingly set foot in the palace a sudden flash of light, trapped the strongest warrior in holography mirror.
Is Planet Beast going to remain under occupation? What about the fate of the Supreme Commander White Leo’s Cybertron Beasts? Can Platinum Tiger escape from the power of the Holography Mirror? Right now, the battle and mystery of the Beastformers is just beginning.
Holly shit whattt? The nineteen eighties were just the pinnacle of complete garbage. Anyway, look at these idiots:

AHAHAHHAA what is going onnnn it's a rubber ducky-ass armored fighting cyborg with ... a gun? A club? No idea what that is, and he's got one hand and one foot on the end of his arm? I can't even with  this thing. His "name" is Run Amok Duck.

This loser is "Colonel Bird" which is funny because he's just, like "a bird" where all the other figures were some more specific species. This is the equivalent of being like "Major Mammal" and it's just a brown furry blob with nipples. Colonel Bird was the only avian member of Battle Beast's 28-figure Series 1, which did include a guy named Crusty Crab...which I hope and pray was the inspiration for the restaurant in SpongeBob.

This is Knight Owl. Creepy that they all have human hands!

This is Harrier Hawk, the 70th figure in the toy lineup. I'm kind of surprised it took them so long to get to a badass bird like a hawk, considering animals included before Harrier Hawk were (no joke): Tanglin Pangolin, Cutthroat Cuttlefish, and Major Moose. Also dumb that harriers and hawks are two kinds of birds...I don't think they were thinking too deeply about it all.

Crooked Crow! This dude frigging rules! He's got a scythe! I bet this is the image Edgar Allen Poe had in mind when he was writing The Raven.

AHAHAHAH! Yoooo you can't have a flamingo. You can't have a battle flamingo. Look at this moron. He doesn't want to be here AT ALL. "Hey, doofus, get out of that pond. You're Frenzied Flamingo now. Take this, like bent-ass coathanger and go slap someone with it."

Annnnddd Pugnacious Penguin. 

These are THE WORST toys I've ever seen, and I want ALL of them. 

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