Renaming Birds By Their Anagrams

I've written a lot about renaming birds. I've tried to give some birds their dignity back by changing their embarrassing comparative names. I've suggested some new people to name birds after. I've probably done other things I can't remember. Now, I'm doing something else.

We know there are a lot of birds with names that are...less than optimal. The Red-bellied Woodpecker barely has a red belly. The least evident part of the Orange-crowned Warbler is its crown. House Wren is just a flat-out boring name.

But how do you pick new names? Is Boring Greenish Warbler really any better than Orange-crowned? Who the hell do I think I am?

Maybe I'll let the current names do the work for me. Here are a bunch of new names for badly named birds (and then birds with good names just because they're fun). Thanks to the Internet Anagram Server for the heavy lifting. Enjoy.

• Red-bellied Woodpecker -- Credible Deplored Woke (topical!)
• Ring-necked Duck = Crick-kneed Dung (improvement?)
• Western Tanager = A Stranger Tween (prequel to the Netflix show)
• Hooded Warbler = Roadbed Howler (great blues musician name)
• Rock Ptarmigan = Croaking Tramp (lol)
• Whooping Crane = Powering Nacho (new Taco Bell menu item)
• Elf Owl = Fellow (aw)
• House Wren = Nowhere Us (Radiohead track)
• Dickcissel = Dick Slices (can't stop giggling)
• Spotted Towhee = Tweeted Photos (brand integration!)
• Orchard Oriole = Hairdo Recolor (hey that's a thing, right?)
• Phainopepla = Papa Pinhole (I think this was a ska band I listened to in the 90s)
• American Robin = Macaroni Brine (gross) and Airborne Manic (fits)
• Tree Swallow = Wallet Worse (I know how you feel)
• Oak Titmouse = A Muskie Toot (haha yeah that's the good stuff)
• Purple Martin = Praline Trump (topical...?) and Terrapin Lump (the UMD bench)
• Boreal Owl = Oral Below ( :-| )
• Rock Pigeon = Precooking (not funny but a single word) and Cooing Perk (accurate!)
• Sandwich Tern = Wind Snatcher (accurate...?)
• Red Knot = Dork Net (aka bird twitter)
• Osprey = Roe Spy (I mean, they're after fish)
• Least Bittern = Titan Trembles (great sci-fi novel)
• Reddish Egret = Dished Regret (badass)
• Snail Kite = Saintlike (yes)
• Spruce Grouse = Pug Resources (one-stop dog shop)
• Piping Plover = Propping Evil (diabolical!)
• Marbled Godwit = Girdled Wombat (a great bar in Melbourne)
• Lesser Nighthawk = Lengthwise Shark (science)
• Horned Grebe = Boner Hedger (haha out with a bang)

 Thank you for your time.

Upon The Discovery of the Semiplumbeous Hawk - A True Story

The year is 1848.  The place is the Columbian jungle, at the end of a long, hot day.  Two naturalists in khaki safari suits and pith helmets are sitting around a table, sorting through the bird specimens they collected that day. They pull a crow-sized raptor from the canvas gunny-sack and place it on the table.

Naturalist 1: "I say! My good man, a striking specimen we have here."
Naturalist 2: "Quite striking, yes! Accipitridae, would you agree?"
Naturalist 1: "Yes, my good man, I do believe it is Accipitridae or some genus thereabouts."
Naturalist 2: "Yes some genus thereabouts, but we'll let the chaps back in London sort through particulars, eh chap? Eh?"
Naturalist 1: "Ha! Indeed! 'Tis the life of the field for us! Striking creature, though, certainly."
Naturalist 2: "Indeed."
Naturalist 1: "Right, well, shall we commence with the description? Keen to take notes, ol chap?"
Naturalist 2: "Right, sir, dictate away, my good man."
Naturalist 1: "Right. Dictation commencing! Medium-size falcon, shot in these Columbian woods on this, the day of June the 5th, the year of our Lord 1848.  Got that?"
Naturalist 2: "Got it, dear chap, continue away."
Naturalist 1: "Commencing physical description of the specimen. The bird appears to be forty centimeters from beak to tail.  Snow white belly. Feet and beak of rich orange. Back and head of a stormy plumbeous."
Naturalist 2: "Hold up, butch."
Naturalist 1: "Yes? What's the trouble?"
Naturalist 2: "Plumbeous?"
Naturalist 1: "Yes, a head and back of plumbeous gray, what of it?"
Naturalist 2: "That's no plumbeous."
Naturalist 1: "What! Of course it's plumbeous. Look at it: the dull gray color of lead. Plumbeous."
Naturalist 2: "Not in the least, sir.  Too dark. It's castor gray, the color of wet muscovite."
Naturalist 1: "Wet muscovite! Are you mad? Has the damp air affected your vision? It's plumbeous or I'm the queen!"
Naturalist 2: "With all due respect, sir, I grew up with plumbeous. I had a plumbeous coat as a child. Our carpets were plumbeous. The soot from the factory in our neighborhood sent plumbeous plumes into the sky, and the soot settled on the houses in a thick plumbous snow. Growing up, I had a dog such the color of plumbeous that when we brought him home as a puppy the only name we could think of for him was Plumbeous.  I know plumbeous, sir, and this bird is no plumbeous!"
Naturalist 1: "Right, well, I didn't realize you had such a connection to the subject.  I do apologize."
Naturalist 2: "No need sir, really."
Naturalist 1: "Well then. Hmm. Listen, you do agree that there's at least a bit of plumbeous in this bird, eh?"
Naturalist 2: "Sure well of course it's a bit plumbeous. More plumbeous than cinereous, that's for certain!"
Naturalist 1: "Ha indeed. Well perhaps we could describe this bird in such a way as to reflect the fact that, while it's clearly not entirely plumbeous, it does indeed have a bit of the ol' plumbeous upon its plumage."
Naturalist 2: "Sure, I suppose describing this bird in such a manner as to reflect the true fact that its coloration - while not entirely plumbeous - does contain certain pigments that, on a sort of gradient scale from white to black could, with a few extra drops, eventually reach the pigment known as plumbeous."
Naturalist 1: "Excellent! It's settled then. Well negotiated, dear boy.  Now then! Take a look at this plover, what should we name him?"
Naturalist 2: "The Entirely-palmated Plover."

AAAAAAAnnnndddd scene.

Birds in Video Games #1: True Lies for the Super Nintendo

To: CAbirdslistserv.net
From: Governator33@hotmail.com
Subject: MAHSKED BOOBIES AT DA WHUF

Deah Califownia buhdurs - I spent two houuhs at da L.A. whuf dis aftuhnoon on beesnis. Deah wuh TWO MAHSKED BOOBIES. De fuhst buhd was flying ovah a crate neah a guy with a bazooka. De second was sitting on da whuf neah a Chinese blowtoach guy and anuthuh guy with a macheen gun. All de guys are dead now. Access to dis site may be limited due to da poleece and all de blood and unexplowded nucleah bombs, but eBuhd says dat dese ah some of da few recohds foah dis county, so get down deah!

Good buhding-
Ahnold