I drove over a bridge from Maryland into Virginia today and on the big "Welcome to Virginia" sign was an image of their state bird, the Northern Cardinal - with a yellow bill. I should have scoffed - another Birds at Large on tap! - but it hardly registered. Everyone knows that state birds are a big damn joke. There are a million Cardinals, a scattering a Robins, and just a general lack of thought being put into the whole thing.
States should have to put more thought into their state bird than I put into picking my socks in the morning. "Ugh, state bird? I dunno, what're the guys next to us doing? Cardinal? OK, let's do that too. Yeah put it on all the signs. Nah no time to research the bill color let's just go." It's the official state bird! Well, since all these jackanape states are too busy passing laws requiring everyone to own guns or whatever to consider what their state bird should be, I guess I'll have to do it.
1. Alabama. Official state bird: Yellowhammer.
Right out of the gate with this thing. Yellowhammer? C'mon. I Asked Jeeves and it told me that Yellowhammer is some backwoods name for a Yellow-shafted Flicker. Sorry, but that's dumb. If you want a woodpecker, go for something with a little more cache, something that's at least a full species.
What it should be: Red-cockaded Woodpecker
2. Alaska. Official state bird: Willow Ptarmigan
Willow Ptarmigans are the dumbest sounding birds on earth, sorry. They sound like rejected Star Wars aliens, angrily standing outside the Mos Eisley cantina because their ID's were rejected. Why go with these dopes, Alaska, when you're the best state to see the most awesome falcon on earth?
What it should be: Gyrfalcon
3. Arizona. Official state bird: Cactus Wren
Cactus Wren is like the only boring bird in the entire state. I can't believe it.
What it should be: Red-faced Warbler
